A modest wish list for Santa Claus

December 2021

 Dear Santa,

I haven’t written for a while – probably not since about 1951 when I told you that all I wanted for Chrithmath was my two front teeth. I know, I know, that’s well over half a century ago.  I’m truly sorry. But I’ve been pretty busy the whole time, what with family, work, baseball games and so on.  And for what it’s worth, I’ve mostly been nice, as opposed to my little brothers, who have mostly been naughty. One of them was a news reporter; the other is still playing guitar in a band.

Anyway, I’m writing this year because I need a couple of things that would help not only me, but humankind at large. I won’t fiddle around with small talk, because I know you’re busy yourself, so I’ll get right to it:

First, I’d like a special spoon for getting jam and jelly out of the jars. I’m thinking something like a miniature shovel. You could use the scoop side to get the goo out of the jar, and then the flat side to moosh it out across your toast.

As things are now, you really need both a spoon and a butter knife to do it right, especially with lumpy stuff like strawberry jam and cherry preserves. With a little shovel -- I’m sure your elves could make one -- you’d save time, dishwashing soap and water. 

While we’re on the subject, how about persuading the folks who make jams and jellies to put their stuff in wide-mouth jars? They often make their bottles big but then for some reason they put teensy-weensy little openings at the top.

 It makes no sense at all.

For one thing, It’s hard to get spoons in and out, especially for people like me, just waking up for the day. And then, when the jar’s almost empty, there’s always jam stuck to the part where the side wall of the jar curves over and up to the top. You can’t get to it without sticking your finger in and wiping it out. There’s no point in spreading that little bit on your bread, so you just lick it off.  Then you get in trouble with whoever is sitting at the table with you.

Another thing: could you get them to add little wings sticking out from the sides of the jar lids? That would make it a lot easier for geezers like me to open and close them. I realize that might make it harder to pack the jars tight onto grocery store shelves, but they figured out how to put pop tops on beer cans and pull-out spouts on those round salt boxes. So they ought to be able to come up with fold-out tabs for folks who don’t want to fight to get to our morning marmalade.

Last, but not least, could you persuade somebody to make bagels without holes in the middle? They’re just big drains, letting honey or pancake syrup or chocolate ice cream sauce ooze right through and onto your lap. If you’re not careful, even chunks of cheese and globs of grape jelly can fall in.

I have no problem with the little holes in English muffins – they can soak up and store lots of good stuff. And there’s an obvious reason for donut holes: the bakeries can sell the holes, and they’re good. But why punch a puncture in the middle of a bagel?

I’ve scared myself more than once in the morning, sitting at the table wondering about my latest flying dream, imagining that my bagel was the Universe, and the opening in the middle was a black hole swallowing not only my runny mint jelly but the entire Milky Way galaxy, me included. Believe me, that’s not a good way to start your day. There’s enough unknown stuff out there without having your breakfast sending shivers through your soul.

This is quite a list, I know, and it’s late in the season, so you might not be able to get to all of it. I’ve got some ideas about lunch, too, and I’m working on stuff for suppers and snacks -- I’ll save all that for next year or maybe spread it over a couple of years. But I know you’ll do your best for now because it’s pretty obvious that you enjoy your toast and jam breakfasts, too.

Santa, I believe.

Yours truly,

Davy (aka Dave)